Give me a bottle of shame and a glass of Moscato

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Have you ever felt that you weren’t good enough for somebody, or that you might never be good enough for anybody?

That once people see the other side of you, they would just leave, like the rest of them?

Have you ever felt that everything you do seem to go wrong?

Have you ever felt that maybe you weren’t as important as you thought you are, or worse, that maybe you were never important to them at all?

That maybe, they were just using you and now, you lost your value…

That you’ve been used, thrown and forgotten…

Hey.. guess what?

Me too…

So the past few weeks has been a wild ride for me.

People walked in and out of my life as though they were passing trains, I guess in many ways they are. Some just stay longer than others, some don’t. Eventually everyone leaves, that or you leave first.

I didn’t exactly have the worst time of my life, I met new people, meet up with old ones, caught up with a few people whom I haven for awhile. It felt really great.

But then it wasn’t the most pleasant time of my life either, I begin to realize more things about myself, things that I don’t like about me, things I want to change. There were days that were simply a pain to get through, days where I felt used, thrown and embarrass.

Days where I felt that I’ve embarrassed myself.

This kinda came as a surprise for me cause honestly I’ve done some pretty embarrassing things in the past 20 years of my life. I have a picture of me getting my nails polished on my sister’s Instagram, I can be one of the most retarded people in front of some of my closest friends, I’ve been called bird nest by my wonderful discipline mistress in front of the whole school. Awkward situations walk in on me like my life’s closest patron. I’ve had my skeleton full of closets sold in a flea market.

So when I say I’m embarassed, I guess its really bad.

So when shame hit, it wasn’t subtle at all. It felt like a full blown truck crushing me against a tidal wave.

So I did what every 20 year old legal male would do, I tried to drink it away.

Firstly, I just like to be clear on the fact that I’m not proud of it.

Secondly, I didn’t drink in clubs, it’s mostly with people I’m close to in secluded areas away from people with a nice view.

I don’t like noises, water and people. Just saying.

So in that silence, with an empty bottle and an open heart, I sat down with the people I love and we talked.

We talked about our problems, our frustrations, our fears and expectations, our love and insecurities.

You know what is one of the most comforting thing to have when you are at your lowest?

It’s not chocolate, or green tea ice cream,  or rose wine, or anything that you can find in the supermarket.

It’s friends, friends that don’t leave. Friends that never shun you out.

Because when you feel your weakest and that you feel as though you are the only one who ever screwed up so bad, the most assuring thing that you can get is a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear and people who shed tears for you when you can’t seem to cry yourself.

When you are at your weakest, you realize who are those that stand by you no matter what.

People who perhaps are just as messed up as you, just as empty as you, just as lonely.

And you know what, that’s okay.

Cause there’s no one else i rather share my problems with.

 

To everyone who has been having a bad day/ month/ year.

I know it’s dark now, but don’t ever walk alone.

Don’t shut yourself out to the people who cares about you cause if you do, they might never come back.

If you feel afraid, it’s fine, it’s okay to feel afraid.

But you gotta learn to stand up for yourself.

If  you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for everything.

If you got a dream, fight for it.

Don’t ever let anybody tell you you can’t do something.

Whatever you do, don’t give up, don’t dream alone.

 

Keep fighting guys.

Cheers

Z

“The moments I knew I was falling for you.” To someone nine thousand miles away .

” Dear you

In the weeks before we came a “we”, when we were still circling each other and trying to figure out whether our feelings were mutual, I knew. We spent almost 24hours together each day, back when we were staying in hall- those moments when we cooked together, studied together, watched funny videos together, going for random walks together and experimenting new dishes together.

Despite the countless number of hours we spent with one another, our conversation never ended and you were always on my mind no matter how many hours I saw you each day.Silence was comfortable and I never got tired/bored of seeing you. On the contrary, I looked forward to meeting you more and more each day.That is when I thought, perhaps perhaps…

Those sweet actions, efforts and thoughts that could warm me up, keep me smiling all day long and move my heart, like no one else could. It was the very first time I know how it felt like to be loved: to have a boy rushing over with an umbrella the moment I texted him that it was raining; to have a boy crack my half-boiled eggs for me every morning; to have a boy walk me back home every single day even though

I know he is tired; to have a boy who wants to do everything for me- drying my hair, even though he doesn’t know how to; to have a boy who would specially wake up early to cook breakfast for me even though I know how much he loves to sleep; to have a boy who would Google & Youtube behind my back to learn how to massage, so that he could cure all my old-woman problems; to have a boy who will suddenly disappear and come back running with a cup of hot honey lemon tea when he knows that my nose would never stop running; to have a boy that pampers me so much with no carrying of groceries, no carrying of books, and even no washing of dishes even though I know how much he hates to do so; to have a boy who dislike drawing, to actually draw a cute encouragement note for me.

All these small little efforts and thoughts had built up that indescribable feeling that I experienced for the first time in my life. Up till now, whenever I think back, I still get that tingling feeling which words can never describe…

When I took the first step, not wanting to leave any regrets- the night you stayed over for the first time, having you by my side as I fell asleep, vaguely feeling the gentle kisses you left on my forehead and waking up with you deep asleep by my side, I knew. I knew I wanted to wake up next to you every morning, feeling the touch of your warm body in contact with mine, and wondering how lucky I am to have you in my life…

When you took my first kiss- a totally unexpected peck on my lips. Though only a brief and short moment, this blip in the casual composure made my heart skipped a beat or two…
I knew when I looked into your eyes and saw only my reflection in them; when you looked at me the way I’ve always wanted to be looked at…
And now, while writing this, I know. Even when you’re nine thousand miles away and I am constantly counting the sunsets until I see you again, I know. I know what it feels like to miss you like a phantom limb, to ache for the melody of your voice, to crave your touch like an addict. I know every time I round my lips around your name; every time I look at my hands, the spaces between my fingers right where yours fit perfectly; every time I shower and go to bed with this emptiness in my heart; every time my eyes tear and go soft, just looking at you and saying “I miss you”…

Now, because I finally understand what it means to fall in love.

Falling means trusting someone enough to hold on to you, wait for you and to fight for us.

Love ”

Anonymous

Z: This one came to me today as an unexpected surprise  and I really loved it. I think it’s beautifully written and I’d like to thank the writer for sharing it with me. She requested to be kept unknown so I’m sorry I can’t say anything else about this lovely couple. I do, however wish them all the best and stay strong. It won’t be easy but it’ll be worth it.

This is the first of my guest writers, I hope that you guys enjoy the read, I know I’m still having goosebumps from reading it. I do have a few others coming up, however I posted this one first cause she’s my first first female writer, sorry boys, ladies first. (:

To the rest who are still struggling with what to write, take your time, if you have found the words to say or still unsure of what you want to say, I think it’s a good chance to really understand yourself, how you feel and why you are feeling it. Like I always said, there’s no rush, the best part about this is there is no deadline to pen down your thoughts.

I look forward to reading what you guys have install for all of us and once again, thank you.

Hope everyone is enjoying their week end.

Me?

I’m kinda stuck in camp, just chilling. (:

Love you guys

Cheers

Z

You Should Fall For Someone Who Doesn’t Love You

(: awesome

Thought Catalog

It occurred to me the other day that there might be people in this world who have never known unrequited love, have never fallen for someone who didn’t fall too.

I know it’s rarer than a solar eclipse, but it seems likely that some have managed it; people who married their high school sweetheart, who got it right on the first try, who were seemingly born with enough innate confidence to walk right up to the object of their affection and say, “I think you’re great, would you like to go on a date sometime” and whose confidence was rewarded with a resolute, “Absolutely, I’d love to” and a Happily Ever After. The rest of us would be inclined to murder a couple like this if we ever came across them, but I maintain that they are the ones who are missing out. Everyone should fall for someone who doesn’t…

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“To me… From me…”

We all thought of it. Time travelling. I did.

Hell, who am I kidding?

I still do.

Every other day I’m hoping for the Doctor to drop by with his blue box, or to realize that actually I’m CDP ( chrono displaced personal) or I’m hoping for Emma Watson with her time turner.  Actually, I won’t be greedy, just Emma would be fine.

So yeah, who doesn’t want to time travel?

Today on my way home my mind wandered and I asked myself, “What if I could send letters through time?”

Indulge me for a moment, I know it can’t happen.

Still…If I could…

I would send a letter to myself 6 years back, telling him to talk to that girl sitting in front of him who he has been crushing on. She’s not going to eat you and really she’s very nice, just try to make friends with her.

Just talk to her already, you dumbass.

I would send a letter to myself 5 years back, to the day I failed my English essay. The day my teacher made me read it out in front of the whole class. I’d tell him, dude, please go work on your grammar. And then I’ll tell him to thank her for it, because if she hadn’t done it, I would have never wanted to prove to her that I can write. And I will never be who I am today.

I would probably send a letter to myself 4 years back, to the day my dad was in the hospital, and tell him that’s it’s going to be alright. You will get through this, I promise.

I would probably send a letter to myself 3 years back, to the day I went for my first practice, telling me/him that you are going to meet this girl who’s going to make you fall head over heels for her. Don’t be afraid of committing, love her with everything you got, just trust that it will turn out okay.

I would send a letter to myself 2 years ago, to that day where I broke down in front of my best friend and tell myself, its okay to cry. I know it hurts, it really does, but I promise you it will heal.

I would send a letter to myself a year ago, to the me who only began to chase his dreams, to pursuit his passion and tell him, don’t feel like a failure because you dared to be different. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you are one. Not even yourself.

I would send a letter to myself a month ago, to that day, and then tell myself, its okay, it’s time to let go. It didn’t work out but its okay, you know you never regretted a single moment of it. You gave everything you got. It’s nobody’s fault.

I would go back to last Friday, to the me that was buying that second bottle of wine and then tell him, “Don’t. Just don’t” and then slap him real hard on the face.

I would send a letter to me somewhere in the future, to the me who has become so lost in the working world, so caught up with life that he no longer sees the meaning and then tell him, “Dude, never let go of the things you love doing and never forget the people you love.  Those are the ONLY things that matter.”

I would send a letter to my future self when I finally found her, The One, and then tell him, “Never let her go.”

And finally, I would send a letter to me just before I leave this world, and remind him of the days of his youth and tell him, “It’s been a hell of a ride, old man, it’s time to go.”

I guess I don’t have that luxury, and yeah, it’s nice to indulge in the idea that we can make things a little easier for us. But if I have to be very honest with myself, really honest.

There’s not a single bit in time that I would change.

Have a great time all

Cheers
Z

To That Person I Fell In Love With When the Timing Was Just Not Right

An old friend of mine shared this with me, its a good read, hope you guys like it as much as i did . Perhaps perhaps… 😉

Thought Catalog

First of all, let it be known here and now that I did love you. I was only ever cold to you that one time because I cared too much. I didn’t know how I was supposed to act when you heightened such a keen sense of passion in me. I could never think normally when I was around you. Some say that infatuation is different from love but what I felt for you bordered in between. I loved you despite your faults but I also crushed on you like you were the best thing since coffee. You woke me up. You did wake me up.

I was raised by vintage Harlequin books that I used to secretly read when my parents weren’t around. I used to believe that love was breath-taking, consuming and potent – it was all these things and more. Love has the ability to break you…

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Need and Want theory

The Need and Want theory.

She’s ranting about that guy again. The things he did that swayed her, the thoughtfulness he showed, this one is different she said. Yet somehow they never seem to be more than friends.

That’s how it usually goes, a nice cup of coffee, sweet music and the ranting of his best friend.

The perfect afternoon.

He said nothing, he just smiled to himself.
” What?”
” Nothing… I just thought it’s funny that you are in love again.”

“Well,one of us to be. You never seem to be in love. I don’t even know the kind of girl you like.”

He tried to think of how to describe it. There was a brief silence as she watched him struggle.

“i’m looking for some one who fufiles my wants and my needs.” He said, sipping his coffee.

“Is this something to do with that uniform fetish of yours?”

He let out a laugh involuntarily , almost choking on the beverage.

” Its not! ”  He tried to put in to words what he meant, what has been on his mind all these while.

“I have a theory… its call the need and want theory….

Every relationship in our lives is built around two factors, want and need.

Want would refer to how much we desire another person, the kind of attraction that we have towards them.

Need would refer to how dependent are we on another person.

In a nut shell, the need and want theory helps us to understand the importance of people in our lives and the position that they have in it.”

He paused to let the thought sink in. As he did he studied her face, the way her body language, how her head was tilted backwards as she tries to understand. He knew her expressions all too well… he seen all of it, he been there for her every emotions, happiness, grief, regret…

To know whether she was confused or not seemed almost trivial.

” Let me explain…”

He took out a pen and drew on a napkin

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“For instance , if we need someone more than we want them, we often find ourselves depending our way of life on theirs .

The people we need in our lives can have many different functions that keep us going. Some play the role of the comforter , the shoulder to cry on, the friend. ”

He paused . This time to see if she will get his hint. He smiled at her, she did not notice. She never does, he thought…

Yes, the friend. When a girl needs you more than she wants you, this is where you find yourself stuck in.
” I believe that guys and girls can be just friends, after all if the relationship is based on need, like the need for emotional support, the need for like minds, the need for a female perspective , its not going anywhere other . ”
Just like you my friend. You are stuck in the friend zone. He said to himself.

” So if you are wondering why a guy whom you like turns you down, friend zones you, leaves you hanging. Chances are he needs you, but he doesn’t want you. Don’t blame him, its not an easy decision to make either and I promise you, friendship last longer than most relationships. I’ll explain why later . ”

” Looking at the other end of the graph, what if you want someone but don’t need them?
As crudely put as possible, its just a crush.
Yes you can say you fallen head over heels for her, fallen so deep that you can’t get out , quote me the top ten cheesiest quotes from Nicholas sparks book , sing me a JB song ( I swear I will punch you for that) , cry me a river, but really, if your relationship is based on how much you want him, its nothing more than a crush.

If I isolate you from him, you’ll survive although some might be a little whinny and annoying.

Nothing duct tape can’t fix. ”

She laughed, thought for a while and nodded.
” So what your saying is that I want him, but I don’t need him?”
” I think that’s for you to decide.”
“How do you decide if someone is a need or want?”

” Well, want is a result of our desires, whether it is the physically attraction, or the fact that he fits a certain profile that you desire or admire, .  Sometimes we like someone simply because we want to be wanted, and that they satisfy that condition, some guys are very good at making a girl feel wanted, but that’s just for the period that they like the girl. Want, like all other kinds of desire will fade from one time or another. You cannot sustain a relationship based on want. ”

” So you are saying that if this is a crush, it will fade over time?”

” Yes, but only if you stop keeping in touch with him. Once he stops making you feel wanted, do you still think you will love him? Or do you just love the feeling that he gives you, making you feel like a princess?”

She smiled but said nothing, she didn’t had to. He knew what she was thinking.

” What about need?”

“Need is different. Our needs are based on our dependency towards people, be it how much we trust someone, get emotional support from them, sometimes we need them because they need us.”

“Need can withstand time, we won’t lose them unless they have been replaced from our lives. But honestly, things like trust and understanding is hard to replace. Hence a ‘need’ based relationship  last longer.”

“What about when you need someone as much as you want them?”

“Well,this is just my opinion, but I feel that when that happens… That’s my condition to fall in love. If she can make me want her as much as I need her, I swear I will never let her go.”

“Sounds like an overly attached boyfriend in the making.”

They laughed, finished their coffee. It was getting dark and it was time to call it a day.

“You know, you never told me whether I was a want or a need to you.” she said

” I thought you would know? You’re my best friend, of course I need you.”

He thought for a moment, he knew that that was  right answer, that she can only just be a need to him. You do not want your best friend. He told himself. Yet that was only half true.

They left the cafe, he let his final thought about her question linger like the aroma of coffee.

“I want you to need me more than I need you to want me.”

The End

Writer’s note: I gotten quite a few feedback from people before I decided to post this up, many thanks to all of you. (:

Also, I know that not everyone will agree with the theories, whether its this one or any others that I wrote, but I hope to hear what you think.

Have a great weekend ahead. Hope to hear from you guys soon.

Cheers

Z