The last theory

Its the third time I saw death.

I didn’t die, but I watched as someone did.

I watched as the people around him tried to bring him back.

I remember the image more clearly than I would like to.
Part of me longs to forget.

But I know I can’t.

He, along with the other two, already became part of who I am.

And for whatever remaining time I have, they’ll be a reminder to me.

A reminder of how short our lives are and how everything we know to love lies on a single thread

And that in a matter of seconds. All that ends…

I’m wish I could aay that I’m not afraid but I am.

We all are.

But for whatever short time I have here just know this.

I have loved and lost. And learn to love that which is lost.
I have lived my life on my own terms, by my own conditions and my own standards and not by the measure of others.

I treasured every laughter and tear and anger and pain. They made me who I am.

I had the chance to fall in love , to feel love and to be loved.

If you let me leave one last theory I guess its this.

My theory is that at the end of the day, this is all that matters.

By my own measures, my life was great.
I ask not to shimmer for a very long time.
I ask to blaze for whatever time is given to me.
That’s  a good enough life for me.

I was fortunate enough to meet people who I can believe in and also meet those that believed in me.

And I know for a fact that if I go, even God so wish…I’ll be missed…

That some how I’ll live on in the lives of those that mattered to me.

And I truly could not ask for more.

The 3 point perspective of a break-up

Hey guys

 

Yeah I know, it’s been a really long time since I wrote something. I’ve been putting the pen away for  the pencil, will be going into ADM in NTU in a few weeks time. Really looking forward to it :D.

I had an interesting conversation with a friend the other day and I kinda woke up with this idea.

As usual it’s about life and stuff so if that bores you, just click ALT-F4 and off you pop, bye!

 

You know how in art we have like different kind of compositions depending on the number of perspectives there are in the picture?

 

Okay for those who don’t lets go through 1-3

 

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1 point

 

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2 point

 

 

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3 point

 

The different types of perspectives follow what we call a vanishing point, where as in 1 point per there is one, in 2 there are 2 and so on…

Of course there are people who do 5 points but its really really hard and they’re not really humans.

 

Five_Point_Perspective_by_awlaux

 

That’s the art part.

 

Breaking up is really pretty much the same thing.

You start of with trying to see it from one point.

Yours

 

That’s how it starts isn’t it?

Whether you dumped, or you got dumped, it sucks.

Many times we know why we did it and so often the reason that we do it remains valid even after many years, and then the story you tell is rarely ever from anyone’s perspective but your own.

So whether its guilt or anger or just a feeling of being lost , that’s all you see sometimes.

 

That’s really all there is to see right now.

 

The thing about 1 point is that it is easy.

It is so easy to just ignore all the other vanishing points and the drawing will still look good.

2 lines converging into the center just like how our stories converge towards our pain,guilt and helplessness.

 

But it’s not always so easy, is it?

Sometimes, you got to move beyond that single vanishing point, beyond the blind spot that this 1 point is hiding..

And then slowly, if time allows, you move on to the 2 points.

 

 

2 points to me has always been a little tricky.

It’s not just 2 lines, it’s four and they cross over each other.

The composition can go so wrong if the lines don’t fit and then no matter how nice the details or the subject matter is, the drawing is ruined.

2 points in life is a lot harder too.

It requires you to see from the other person’s point of view.

It also requires you to look beyond your own story and to recognize that it’s not just your own perspective in the picture.

When the canvas is expanded, we realize that even though it might be far apart, there’s another vanishing point.

Another kind of perspective.

I never really mastered 2 point but I’ve been given the same advice as letting go.

Practice, don’t hide from the problem. Be honest with yourself, don’t lie. If the picture suck, admit it.

Then let time do the rest.

You see, the funny thing about 2 point is that eventually, those who are able to see it get this sense of closure.

To finally understand the other person for one last thing.

To finally see eye to eye.

 

And then, at that moment, you learn to let go.

There is something oddly painful and yet satisfying about 2 point perspectives.

The best part is you can’t rush it, you cant force it. You just have to keep trying.

 

3 point is a whole new level.

This moves beyond closure.

Here is where everything makes sense.

It’s gonna take longer, way longer than the other two but trust me, its worth it.

3 point perspective is when you look back and then understand why everything had to happen the way it did.

3 point could be looking from top down to see the endless horizon or it could be looking from bottom up, letting you be awestruck by everything that has happened.

3 point is when you realize that everything happened for a reason and could not have happened any other way.

 

It won’t come to you so fast but this one is worth the wait.

You see the lessons that you learned, mistakes that you made, the person that you wish to be and the person that you don’t.

 

Then, finally , you move on to the next drawing.

 

 

Time to go home

Yesterday we recieved news fron All Saint’s Home. Ah Poh, passed away at the age of 105. For those who don’t know her, she’s the old lady who ‘catwalked’ a few years back for a CIP thing and made it into the news . For the rest of us, she’s the dear old lady, oldest in fact, that has been with the Church way before I was even born.

When my father was first training as a bible college student in Bethany, she was there. And for many many years, she continued to be.

The dear old lady , a devoted christian and a fan of local delights always with an appetite for chilli crab and durian.
But even she was not immune to ageing . With old age came many problems, she became weak, moving was hard on her frail body. Sometimes when we do not turn up to fetch her to church , she would surprisingly turn up , having taken a cab to church on her own. That went on for as long as her body could take it before it finally could no longer take it anymore.

My last visit to Ah Poh was slightly about a month ago. The old lady glee at the sight of us. Then she looked slightly disappointed when we didnt bring food. Later my dad turnes up with a bowl of fish ball noodles. Her expression was, as cliché as it may seem, priceless. There was really no words I could use.
Feeding her took a while. We had to cut the fishball into small bits, watch her chew with that single remaining tooth, and watch in fear that she would choke. image

We were actually half expecting her not to recognise us, but she did. She began showing the number one to us.

Saying “One more.”

For a moment none of us could figure out who she was talking about.

The it hit us.

2 years ago we hired a helper. Whenever Ah Poh came to church, she would help her around. 2 years later we gotten so used to life without her that we forget about her existence.

The old lady lying on the bed did not.

Maybe it’s the writer in me seeing things that isn’t there, but I believe that there’s many things we can learn from this dear old lady.

Devote yourself to something, a belief, a religion, a hobby. Make it stick and dont ever let anything sway your devotion. Make it a reason life is worth living because when everything else fades, it might be so.

Enjoy the simple pleasures in life. You don’t want to miss out in this, taste good food, enjoy it while you can. You’ll miss it when you can no longer eat or drink.

Remember those who cared for you, those who showed you kindness and hope and above all, love. Don’t forget.
Yes, bad things happen. Here’s the way I see it, maybe the good don’t necessarily make bad things good . But the bad things don’t always make the good things bad. Indulge yourself in the good, forget the bad. Life’s too short to tweet about a horrible day or an argument. Let yourself forget it , your realise how petty and childish somethings are. Remember the good. Do good to others. These are the things that should last.

It’s been a busy week but I guess this has been a good reminder.
We all have to go home some day, some earlier than others. In the end we’ll just be stories told to another. Living in someone else’s memory.

Make it a good one shall we?

Cheers
Zac

The coffee break

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There’s something magical about cafés isnt it?
Some seek in it a familiarity, others hop around for something new. Either way we all seem to be finding something that goes more than just a cup of simple coffee.

Perhaps its the serenity that comes along with the quietness that always seems to accompany all these areas. The conversations over coffee is somehow always a little more private, whether is it a first date , or a Stranger’s reunion. Sometimes such conversations even works as Group therapy, the fragrance seems to relax the mind and lower one’s guard. Before you know it, bonds, new and old are both stregthened.

Then again, one could not give enough credit to the brew. After all , it never fails to amaze one how a simple mixture of two or three ingredients can form an entire menu. Sometimes the difference between one drink and another is whether or not its mixed or not. Other times it the presence and maybe even absence of it.
The same could be said of fhe bonds we have. New bonds , like macchiato, consists of two lives , separated but just touching. It’s lovely how the word macchiato, which means ‘marked’ ,  reflects the essence of a first meeting. That from this day on, you have and will aways be a part of my memory, whether or not our lives are mixed. Who knows? Perhaps ,just perhaps ….you will stay.
I sometimes wonder if the bitter taste of black coffee serves as a reminder of a long road ahead. To love the unsweetened brew takes a tamed tongue to look beyond the bitterness and enjoy the blend , the feel the fragrance and love the after taste. Certainly not a drink for those still a little less matured. After all it takes something to realise that life is not coated in candy, and it takes even more to know that one could enjoy it still.
Most drinks needs to be consumed in a certain time. Ice blends become diluted and no longer as appealing after the ice melted while hot beverages start to lose their warmth, the same applies. Time stands as a reminder to all that the cafe, this little safe heaven, has its limits. After awhile the magic fades and the people leave and soon our coffee break is over. Sometimes we leave with a promise to meet up again and it will be soon. Sometimes we know we will break the promise while deep in our hearts we do want to keep it. Either way as we leave, the coffee table is cleared for the next and we too move on from our break. Maybe we had a little more besides caffeine to keep us going until our next coffee break. And maybe thats enough. (:
Till next time

Ps . Just wrote this off the top of my head. Hope you enjoyed it , had a long day so please dont kill me if my grammar or spelling is wrong.

The full package

” I don’t think  you know what your asking. When you love someone you dont just accept who they are right now.
You accept who they were back then. The people they used to love and care and then lose.

All these things were part for who they are.

You don’t just accept the now. You are asking for their past. And as much as you might not like some of it.

Every bit of those ” unlikeable ” things had to happen to make them who they are right now. Everyone has a past they rather not know. No one would want to taint the perfect image of the person they love.
That’s why it’s so important for you to accept it. If anyone but you could do it, then it wouldn’t be called love, would it? You gotta have the full package.”
Z

The Sketchbook Regeneration

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Hey

Its been awhile, I do apologize for the lack of writing. Honestly been a little caught up with some stuff. Had an off day today so decided to pack my room. Threw away a lot of  stuff, A LOT.

Also found other things that I forgot I had

Like sketch books. Lots of it.

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This one was from my Sec 3 year if I’m not wrong, I used to doodle in class quite a bit. Got me into a bit of trouble.

 

Not great, I know.

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This was done probably a year back? Exploring some concepts of gluttony.

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This guy… the most recent one.

(Still in progress, got a long feedback from this dude on FB, really detailed analysis on how I can improve. Very thankful for all the guidance.)

Its been a couple of years apart, about 5 years from the first one to the last one.

Honestly I can’t say that I am at where I want to be yet. There’s so much that I have yet to learn and so little that I know.

The works that I take hours to do can hardly even hold a candle what some artists can do in a matter of minutes. The things that I have yet understood makes me seem like a mere child as compared to someone who might be more talented, more experienced  or simply someone who worked harder.

That’s life, a 8 year old kind can make you look like a totally noob.

” What you gonna do about it? ”

Be better.

I’m not saying that you should strive to be better than the 8 year old kid. I mean come on, no one brags about winning an 8 year old.

Tsk, jerk.

Rather, strive to be better than who you are.

There are so many things that we can be better at, so many things that we can learn to improve.

Think about it, when was the last time you did something stupid?

Wish you hadn’t done that?

Yeah me too.

Some days we look back in to our lives and we cringe at the older version of us. The ones that are not as complete or not as developed.  The versions of   us that have yet to understand how life works, or just  how the world works.

The versions of  us that seem so much more immature . Even to the point when even thinking about the things we did makes us go

” Damn it, what was I thinking?”

And you know what?

That’s okay.

No one starts out really knowing everything. We keep learning at different points of our lives. Like different versions of ourselves, each time we ‘die’ a little and we ‘regenerate’ into someone else.

I guess what I wanted to write about isn’t really so much on how much I’ve improved  in my drawing over the past couple of years.

Rather, the point I want to drive across is this.

1.Believe in yourself. Believe that you can be better than who you are right now. Confidence can start from as little as just simply taking out the first step. You WILL Fail , i promise, but don’t let it stop you from trying. Nothing good is ever achieved without risking failure.

2.Be deaf to those who bring you down.  Ignore the people who tell you how difficult it is or how ‘most people’ can’t do it. Be different, dare to stand out of what’s comfortable and just do it. Ignore the people who tell you that you will never be good enough. Most importantly, ignore the people who tell you that you can’t do it just because they don’t think they can.

3. Be open minded, accept that you have flaws and that you need to improve.  Everyone does.  Sometimes it’s hard to tell a constructive criticism from a destructive one. Many times both would leave your ego bruised. That’s life. Examine the validity of the comment to understand how relevant it is to your work and then see if working towards it will help you improve. If not, just forget it and move on.

4. Keep a ‘sketch book’ of yourself, a piece of you that you want to see change, something that you wish to see improve.

It can be a drawing, or a writing, or even just something you want to be better at like singing.

Record them, and then work on it.
And work hard, work hard as hell.

NEVER skip the fundamentals no matter how boring or uninterested it might seem. Make the effect to learn it. No one builds houses on sand. Make yours out of stone.

6. Don’t be afraid to do what you love. There is rarely anything more satisfying than doing what you love . In fact, if you’re not doing what you like or love, what are you doing?

7. Lastly, appreciate what you have. Every moment of our lives shapes and forms who we are and what we do. Think about this for a moment about what you have, the people who you have right here, right now. It  you right now had to go through those exact things , do those exact mistakes and to learn those exact lessons to be this version of you in this reality to be with these people you care about in this exact manner.

Would you really want to do it any differently?

Me neither

Cheers.

Z

Finding the words inside

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-a-teenager-bring-his-class-to-tears-just-by-saying-a-few-words-2

I just watched this 5 minutes video of this guy who stammered and yet spoke in front of his class. I guess when you find yourself lost for words; tears are the only way we know how to show how we feel. His bravery and determination to overcome his disability just… For the lack of better words, left me speechless.

I have a lot of thoughts, a lot of reflections. But as you would have noticed, I haven’t been writing and there are a few reasons to that. I might say that I’m busy, which would not be far from the truth. I have, in fact I just came back home from a Hackathon, we came in second with our game app.  I feel like I have so much to learn and have gained so much from this experience. And I’m thankful for the team.

I have also been busy with building up my portfolio, preparing for guitar grade 8. I try to make the best of the time I have to do the things I love. Playing music with likeminded people, simply just enjoying the vibes bouncing off each other as we play and just enjoy. It feels good, sharing a passion with someone.

But that alone has been only part of the reason for my absence from my blog. It’s just that after 40 posts or so, I’m starting to be afraid of what I say, and who is on the other side. And that kind of just turns me off from writing or sharing. My thoughts, my actions and my life suddenly no longer belonged to me, people would judge no matter what, and I handed them the gavel on a silver platter.

So the blog collected dust, left to rot, because the words that I have to say could not come out. They were too afraid to be seen by the world.

We are all afraid. Afraid of what others might think.

We know we shouldn’t, that how others view us should not dictate the way we live. So we shut up, afraid of what we say, afraid to be anything less than perfect.

So my question is, when you see the stuttering boy struggling to speak to his friends and trying so hard to just say that few words, did you see a person who lacks public speaking skills? Or did you see immerse courage? Were you irritate or inspired?

Did you see weakness or strength?

I guess what I’m saying is…

You don’t need to be perfect to great.

Strength is not something that can be seen from outside. Many times we show strength by being vulnerable.

Weak are those who hide behind their haughty eyes and crocked mouths, those people who bitch, whine pull others down just to make themselves feel better.  Well, you’re not better, you’re pathetic.

And you don’t tell me how to live my life.

If a guy who stammers can be unafraid of sharing how he feels, I don’t see why I should be.

Z