Give me a bottle of shame and a glass of Moscato

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Have you ever felt that you weren’t good enough for somebody, or that you might never be good enough for anybody?

That once people see the other side of you, they would just leave, like the rest of them?

Have you ever felt that everything you do seem to go wrong?

Have you ever felt that maybe you weren’t as important as you thought you are, or worse, that maybe you were never important to them at all?

That maybe, they were just using you and now, you lost your value…

That you’ve been used, thrown and forgotten…

Hey.. guess what?

Me too…

So the past few weeks has been a wild ride for me.

People walked in and out of my life as though they were passing trains, I guess in many ways they are. Some just stay longer than others, some don’t. Eventually everyone leaves, that or you leave first.

I didn’t exactly have the worst time of my life, I met new people, meet up with old ones, caught up with a few people whom I haven for awhile. It felt really great.

But then it wasn’t the most pleasant time of my life either, I begin to realize more things about myself, things that I don’t like about me, things I want to change. There were days that were simply a pain to get through, days where I felt used, thrown and embarrass.

Days where I felt that I’ve embarrassed myself.

This kinda came as a surprise for me cause honestly I’ve done some pretty embarrassing things in the past 20 years of my life. I have a picture of me getting my nails polished on my sister’s Instagram, I can be one of the most retarded people in front of some of my closest friends, I’ve been called bird nest by my wonderful discipline mistress in front of the whole school. Awkward situations walk in on me like my life’s closest patron. I’ve had my skeleton full of closets sold in a flea market.

So when I say I’m embarassed, I guess its really bad.

So when shame hit, it wasn’t subtle at all. It felt like a full blown truck crushing me against a tidal wave.

So I did what every 20 year old legal male would do, I tried to drink it away.

Firstly, I just like to be clear on the fact that I’m not proud of it.

Secondly, I didn’t drink in clubs, it’s mostly with people I’m close to in secluded areas away from people with a nice view.

I don’t like noises, water and people. Just saying.

So in that silence, with an empty bottle and an open heart, I sat down with the people I love and we talked.

We talked about our problems, our frustrations, our fears and expectations, our love and insecurities.

You know what is one of the most comforting thing to have when you are at your lowest?

It’s not chocolate, or green tea ice cream,  or rose wine, or anything that you can find in the supermarket.

It’s friends, friends that don’t leave. Friends that never shun you out.

Because when you feel your weakest and that you feel as though you are the only one who ever screwed up so bad, the most assuring thing that you can get is a shoulder to lean on, a listening ear and people who shed tears for you when you can’t seem to cry yourself.

When you are at your weakest, you realize who are those that stand by you no matter what.

People who perhaps are just as messed up as you, just as empty as you, just as lonely.

And you know what, that’s okay.

Cause there’s no one else i rather share my problems with.

 

To everyone who has been having a bad day/ month/ year.

I know it’s dark now, but don’t ever walk alone.

Don’t shut yourself out to the people who cares about you cause if you do, they might never come back.

If you feel afraid, it’s fine, it’s okay to feel afraid.

But you gotta learn to stand up for yourself.

If  you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for everything.

If you got a dream, fight for it.

Don’t ever let anybody tell you you can’t do something.

Whatever you do, don’t give up, don’t dream alone.

 

Keep fighting guys.

Cheers

Z

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