Dreams burn but in ashes are gold
It starts innocently enough, almost politely.
You meet her for the first time, you talk to her; you notice she’s really pretty. You can tell that at least one other guy has fallen for her at some point in time. Quickly, there’s a rapport between the two of you. The facebook invites go out, you both realise you have things in common. You talk, you chat, you text, you make fun of one another. Sooner or later you know enough about each other; you become friends. Good friends.
And then one day you realise you’re in love with her. You’re not sure how it happened but it did; you’re not sorry for that. You wonder how you’ve lived all this time without her; you can’t remember what you were doing before you met her. You want to spend all your days with her. You love to see her smile; you want to make her laugh. You pursue her; the weeks go by; months go by.
Eventually she becomes an obsession. She was pretty at first but now she’s the most beautiful thing in world; indispensably perfect. You’re possessive, suspicious; her lack of proximity to you drives you mad. You ask your friends for advice, you try to charm her; you try everything.
Then you become impatient. You text her more and more. You can’t stand it when she doesn’t reply; then you feel euphoric when she finally does. You try meeting her after school each and every day; you won’t leave till you see her. Eventually, she knows. Maybe you told her, maybe she realised. But you’re out of luck, she doesn’t feel the same. She just wants to be friends; you just don’t want to know it yet. You persist. She becomes evasive. You become paranoid, you stop feeling joy. You start to become jealous; she starts to become distant.
Your friends tell you to find other fish but you’re all set on this one. You’re convinced that you love her. You wish you were richer, smarter, more athletic, more charming, funnier – all so she’d notice you. You try to fix yourself; you suck at this. You buy her gifts; you write her notes. Nothing happens for you, or for her.
Then you become angry. You believe that you need her; without her you’d die. In fact you’re sure you’d die for her. You hate her as much as you love her. And then you love her more. You persist, you call, you text, you obsess. It doesn’t work; you’ve failed. You hate yourself because you think you’re inadequate. You hate yourself because you think she was a mistake.
Then the breakdowns happen; your soul runs on empty. You cry. You can’t move on; you want another chance. You feel like you’re burning, on the inside and out. Everything loses its savour. You stop living. This goes on forever. You can’t stand the sight of her; you can’t stop gazing at photos of her. You want her to text you; you’ve stopped checking your phone. You’re praying for a miracle; you’ve given up. This goes on for an eternity.
And then one day, one fine day that you couldn’t for the life of you remember, you wake up with a hangover from eternity. You feel terrible but you seem to be okay. You don’t feel alive but you’re not dead either. You’ve forgotten your obsession but you still remember why you were obsessed. You don’t want to pick up the pieces but you find them crudely glued together. You’re not convinced but you’re doing alright.
From Z: Many thanks to Jay for writing this, really loved it. I know I didn’t post anything this week, been kind of busy going out, reading Mortal instruments ( Just finish book 2 this morning) and stuff. (: Among other stuff…
HOWEVER! I am working on some things… I hope i can put them up ASAP, but not at the expense of the quality of work. I have also been drawing some things, preparing my portfolio for my Uni application, so hopefully I can have somethings that are presentable on this blog to share with you guys. This week was like a break for me from writing, do stay tune. More stuff coming up soon.