The Need and Want theory.
She’s ranting about that guy again. The things he did that swayed her, the thoughtfulness he showed, this one is different she said. Yet somehow they never seem to be more than friends.
That’s how it usually goes, a nice cup of coffee, sweet music and the ranting of his best friend.
The perfect afternoon.
He said nothing, he just smiled to himself.
” Nothing… I just thought it’s funny that you are in love again.”
“Well,one of us to be. You never seem to be in love. I don’t even know the kind of girl you like.”
He tried to think of how to describe it. There was a brief silence as she watched him struggle.
“i’m looking for some one who fufiles my wants and my needs.” He said, sipping his coffee.
“Is this something to do with that uniform fetish of yours?”
He let out a laugh involuntarily , almost choking on the beverage.
” Its not! ” He tried to put in to words what he meant, what has been on his mind all these while.
“I have a theory… its call the need and want theory….
Every relationship in our lives is built around two factors, want and need.
Want would refer to how much we desire another person, the kind of attraction that we have towards them.
Need would refer to how dependent are we on another person.
In a nut shell, the need and want theory helps us to understand the importance of people in our lives and the position that they have in it.”
He paused to let the thought sink in. As he did he studied her face, the way her body language, how her head was tilted backwards as she tries to understand. He knew her expressions all too well… he seen all of it, he been there for her every emotions, happiness, grief, regret…
To know whether she was confused or not seemed almost trivial.
” Let me explain…”
He took out a pen and drew on a napkin
“For instance , if we need someone more than we want them, we often find ourselves depending our way of life on theirs .
The people we need in our lives can have many different functions that keep us going. Some play the role of the comforter , the shoulder to cry on, the friend. ”
He paused . This time to see if she will get his hint. He smiled at her, she did not notice. She never does, he thought…
Yes, the friend. When a girl needs you more than she wants you, this is where you find yourself stuck in.
” I believe that guys and girls can be just friends, after all if the relationship is based on need, like the need for emotional support, the need for like minds, the need for a female perspective , its not going anywhere other . ”
Just like you my friend. You are stuck in the friend zone. He said to himself.
” So if you are wondering why a guy whom you like turns you down, friend zones you, leaves you hanging. Chances are he needs you, but he doesn’t want you. Don’t blame him, its not an easy decision to make either and I promise you, friendship last longer than most relationships. I’ll explain why later . ”
” Looking at the other end of the graph, what if you want someone but don’t need them?
As crudely put as possible, its just a crush.
Yes you can say you fallen head over heels for her, fallen so deep that you can’t get out , quote me the top ten cheesiest quotes from Nicholas sparks book , sing me a JB song ( I swear I will punch you for that) , cry me a river, but really, if your relationship is based on how much you want him, its nothing more than a crush.
If I isolate you from him, you’ll survive although some might be a little whinny and annoying.
Nothing duct tape can’t fix. ”
She laughed, thought for a while and nodded.
” So what your saying is that I want him, but I don’t need him?”
” I think that’s for you to decide.”
“How do you decide if someone is a need or want?”
” Well, want is a result of our desires, whether it is the physically attraction, or the fact that he fits a certain profile that you desire or admire, . Sometimes we like someone simply because we want to be wanted, and that they satisfy that condition, some guys are very good at making a girl feel wanted, but that’s just for the period that they like the girl. Want, like all other kinds of desire will fade from one time or another. You cannot sustain a relationship based on want. ”
” So you are saying that if this is a crush, it will fade over time?”
” Yes, but only if you stop keeping in touch with him. Once he stops making you feel wanted, do you still think you will love him? Or do you just love the feeling that he gives you, making you feel like a princess?”
She smiled but said nothing, she didn’t had to. He knew what she was thinking.
” What about need?”
“Need is different. Our needs are based on our dependency towards people, be it how much we trust someone, get emotional support from them, sometimes we need them because they need us.”
“Need can withstand time, we won’t lose them unless they have been replaced from our lives. But honestly, things like trust and understanding is hard to replace. Hence a ‘need’ based relationship last longer.”
“What about when you need someone as much as you want them?”
“Well,this is just my opinion, but I feel that when that happens… That’s my condition to fall in love. If she can make me want her as much as I need her, I swear I will never let her go.”
“Sounds like an overly attached boyfriend in the making.”
They laughed, finished their coffee. It was getting dark and it was time to call it a day.
“You know, you never told me whether I was a want or a need to you.” she said
” I thought you would know? You’re my best friend, of course I need you.”
He thought for a moment, he knew that that was right answer, that she can only just be a need to him. You do not want your best friend. He told himself. Yet that was only half true.
They left the cafe, he let his final thought about her question linger like the aroma of coffee.
“I want you to need me more than I need you to want me.”
Writer’s note: I gotten quite a few feedback from people before I decided to post this up, many thanks to all of you. (:
Also, I know that not everyone will agree with the theories, whether its this one or any others that I wrote, but I hope to hear what you think.
Have a great weekend ahead. Hope to hear from you guys soon.